busweet’s blog

I don't really have much to say, but I feel like typing/writing something! I know that once I sit myself in front of a blank page, I find something to say. Or not. It's been a weird week.

I haven't been to sleep before 3 a.m. any night this week. I don't know how I am ever going to get back to my "normal" school schedule come fall.

There is nothing on television. I don't really want to watch TV, but I have nothing better to do.

The cat has been sick since last Friday. He sounds wheezy and wet when he breathes. He's better, presumably. He's not drooling nonstop, at the very least. They sent him home from the vet with steroids and antibiotics, so I guess they're doing their job. I hope he doesn't revert to his drooliness when the medications are gone.

I am bored. I don't want to read, don't want to watch TV, don't want to knit. Don't know what my problem is. Should probably do one of the above, but don't want to. I want to be outside. If I were still living in California, this would be a night I would drive to the beach. Argh.

I got my second rejection today. They were quite nice about it, of course. I got an email saying that they didn't have space for the piece. I would like to know if that's a euphemism for "we don't think it's appropriate for this particular issue," or "your writing isn't quite good enough for our publication, keep trying," or "your writing really sucks, don't send us any more." Because I know it's one of the above. I sent it in more than three months before the issue comes out. I wonder how many submissions they get for each issue. I'm going to be irked(to say the least) if I read the issue and feel like my writing is better.

In the meantime, I end up feeling quite discouraged. What will it take for me to get published? How many rejections? Can I deal with it if I keep getting rejected? That is one of my big concerns, honestly. I worry that I will end up feeling like my writing is not good enough. My voice is one in the midst of thousands. I have to be super spectacular. But hey, Stephanie Meyer got published--why can't I? And I read an awful children's book yesterday. I can write better than that! I've got to ignore the rejection and keep on keepin' on.

Sounds like the people downstairs are watching a soap opera! LOL.

So, I'm going to pack up my things for my awesome cruise to the Bahamas. I have my clothes laid out and just have to put them in my suitcase. I am sure I will have at least a thousand emails to read when I get back. We are planning to get a wireless card once or twice during the week, but internet access is too expensive on the ship. I will be taking a million and a half pictures, and I'll be sure to share them when I get back, too!

So, my dad has spring break in a couple of weeks. I'm really the only one free to go traveling with him. Well, now that my cousin has moved in, she could. She's afraid to ride the bus, though, so I doubt she'd make it onto an airplane or a boat. We've been looking at the cruise options as well as possibly going to Berlin. The cruise would be pretty cool, but I'd probably rather go to Berlin, even though it will be chilly. He called tonight and set all of this off. Now, it's 1:30 in the morning and I can't write. I need to whip out a thousand words or so, but I've totally lost the thread of my story. It's gone, whoosh. Mostly when I've been writing, I visualize a scene in my head and then write it. I can't visualize anything but how frakking awesome it would be to go to Berlin.

I guess I'm going to go read for a while, then either go to sleep or come back and do some writing if my head settles down.

My cousin moved in with my parents yesterday. She was supposed to on Saturday, but we didn't hear from her and didn't know what was going on. She called yesterday, though, and said she was on her way. She didn't have that much stuff, so she was installed with no problem and her friends headed back home.

We all acted like it was the most normal thing ever. It was no big deal that she'd been evicted and was moving in with my parents. I couldn't wrap my head around it, though. It was the most surreal thing. It felt like this big, life-changing moment and we were standing around chatting as if it were an every day occurrence.

In the end, I decided that it really was the best way to act. It was difficult for her. It was difficult for us. It would have made it worse if we had made a big deal out of it. So, it was best to just act as if it was no big deal. I'm still having trouble with it myself.

My cat has been using my bathtub as a litterbox for a while now. Not that long--maybe a month. I'd rather she goes in the bathtub than on the rug, you know? I have no idea whether it was the difference in litter, the hood on the litterbox we have, or the fact that my brother's crazy cat is seriously territorial with his litterbox. Probably a combination of all of the above. I did get a litterbox and put it in my bathroom when she started doing that in an attempt to get her to go in the litterbox again. No dice. I guess it really was the litter. Prissy cat. Well, I went out earlier this week and got a couple more litterboxes and the usual gravel litter. And lo and behold, she's been using the litterbox again! Thank goodness. We have four litterboxes in the apartment now. It kinda sucks to have to maintain them all, but I would rather do that than have her go in my bathtub again.

We had craziness in my neighborhood last night. A guy shot someone on pretty much the opposite side of town, then led police in a chase to my side of town. He was headed for the mental hospital that's about a block from my apartment. He stayed in his car talking on his phone to the police for three hours and holding a gun to his head. I had to drive the long way 'round to go hang out with a friend of mine. It TOTALLY slipped my mind to pay the rent. Yikes! That's a costly mistake. Thank God that when I went in today, they let it slide because of all the ruckus. Sweet. What a relief--I can't really afford it on my nonexistant freelance writer's salary. I'm considering applying for food stamps, but it would be weird. I'm not in dire straits yet.

On another high note, one of my friends whose opinion I really respect read the piece that I wrote and submitted. She said that she was really interested and kept her interested the whole time. She's more than a little ADD, so that is a HUGE compliment. In my opinion, at least! It's something to keep someone who is easily distracted interested! I would love to share if anyone else wants to read. Maybe I can find another market for it somewhere. It would be a shame for it to go to waste, so to speak.

I just submitted an essay that I wrote for publication, and I want to do a little dance. I feel like I'm lit up, like I'm on fire, like I've had a few cups of coffee! I've submitted a couple of small pieces before, but nothing that I consider a serious attempt, I suppose. I feel like this piece very well could get published. And I would squeal so loud that the neighbors would wonder if I were dying.

I have multiple people who support my writing endeavors. They stroke my writer's ego and tell me that I am good at what I do. I can't see it. I've always had a hard time seeing it. I struggled with writing compositions in my high school English classes. I got a C in one of my freshman English classes during college, I think. Yet I still write and still think I have at least a little talent at it. I just don't think I'm up to par where I would like to be.

Writing is hard. A lot of it comes very easily to me. At the same time, I expect it to come out perfect the first time. When it doesn't, I have a hard time continuing with what I've been working on. I get fed up and move on to another writing project. Maybe part of my euphoria right now is because I finished something. I really hate having unfinished writing projects lying about, so to speak. It adds to my feelings of inadequacy as a writer.

One is a start. Now maybe I can get to work on some other things and hold on to this euphoric feeling. I think I'd even be okay with a rejection email at this point. It means I'm a "real" writer.

I did not get the job that I interviewed for last week. I never heard about the second one, so I assume I did not get that one either. My mother knows a teacher at one of the schools where I interviewed. She asked her what went wrong so I could change things in my next interview. The reason? The principal could not get in touch with my California references.

I racked my brains thinking about who I could use as references instead. I thought about getting letters of reference instead. Then, I realized.

They didn't start back to school until this week, and he was calling last week.

I can't catch a break.

I have an interview! An interview for a REAL TEACHING JOB!!! Can you tell that I'm feeling good about this? I can't say that I'm excited because I've had too many interviews at this point where I didn't get the job to feel excited about it. I'm not sure if I even feel optimistic. It just is. It's on Monday at 11:30 a.m. It's one of the next counties over. I'd still have a bit of a commute, but not as much as I currently do. I am also still hoping/expecting a call from the 'ville where my parents live. There is an opening at an elementary school there. They were supposed to interview before Christmas, but rescheduled due to weather and late applications(mine, definitely! Possibly other people, too). 

In the meantime, this job that I have is not bad at all. I've made some mistakes--missing medications for one of the participants in the house where I was working--but I've also had some triumphs--convincing the 23-year-old not to wear a seriously short skirt to a church-sponsored coffee house and discovering that one of the ladies likes knitting. She talks to herself/has hallucinations, and she doesn't talk to herself while she's knitting. I thought I would cry I was so happy to have made her happy. The program director praised me effusively for finding this out and giving her yarn/needles. Cuz I'm awesome. I would really love the chance to revamp their structured day program as well. I'd use all the staff that they have, make sure that everyone has their needs being met, etc. They have people who don't have a background in education doing their program. What are they thinking? I wish I could pitch it so that I could design the programs for all their facilities, not just the one nearby. That's kind of arrogant, isn't it?

And I have to go get ready for work. I plan to post about my achievements from last year and my goals for this year tomorrow!

It's cold here. I started out in the garage at work one night where it was 42 degrees. By the time I got home 30 minutes later, it was only 6 degrees. Brr! I know there are places that are colder, but I've been living in California for 6 years! I haven't felt weather this cold in 6 1/2 years.

So, yesterday my cold water wouldn't work. The hot water was fine, but no cold. Not that I really wanted to use the cold water. I could take my shower no problem. I didn't realize until later on that my toilet wouldn't flush. LOL. Well, I got up this morning and no water at all whatsoever. Not in my bathroom, not in the kitchen, nowhere. I called the offices, and they told us 2 hours ago that we'd have water again in about 30 minutes. Do we have water yet? No, of course not. So I'm going to have to go up to the front offices to take my shower. I'd really prefer not to, but I need to go finish my Christmas shopping. My mom came up yesterday and I got a bunch done, but I still have a few things left. Argh.

Merry Frigging Christmas. Bah Humbug.

So ends my first week of actual work at this job I've taken. Honestly, there's not really enough to do to keep me busy. I don't like that because it makes the day creep by. Hopefully, we'll take people out tonight and it will eat up some of the time. Then again, taking them out could be a bad experience...

I'm feeling tired. I'm also feeling more than a little sad because of the quality of care for people who have any kind of disability. People who are overqualified end up moving on to other jobs. So, what's left? People who are there to get a paycheck and don't really care about the people. I shadowed people for the first 3 days of this week. I have to say that my training was not very good on that front. It's horrible! And it makes me guilty for wanting to jump ship as soon as I possibly can.

There's a job opening where my parents live. I'm hoping to score that job, but I'm definitely not feeling very optimistic. I haven't had much luck so far. I've begun wondering if the fact that I don't have a Master's Degree has anything to do with it. I've been not qualified for two positions because I don't have a Master's degree. The longer it takes to find a job as a teacher, the more discouraged I'm going to end up. It really sucks.

Anyway. Have to go do other stuff so that I don't keep thinking about how much I want the job that I am trained for, the job that I am good at. It's cold in the apartment, so I'm going to go snuggle back up under the covers and read! Sounds like a good alternative to stressing about a job that I don't even have an interview for. Yet.