3 posts tagged “death”

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately.  I'm sure it has some to do with the fact that I'm unemployed and pretty bored.  My social life is looking up a little.  I'm reconnecting with people and getting more involved in the church that I've been attending.  I'll have to post another entry about the whole church thing, honestly.  There's a lot of stuff I have to think about where this church is concerned.

After taking about 40 minutes to fall asleep, I woke up this morning around 4:50.  I went to the bathroom, but then I couldn't go back to sleep.  I had a headache, and my mind was working on overdrive.  I was thinking about my uncle a little, and that made me sad.  I cracked open one of the huge stack of books by my bed(the library made me put some of my books back last time I went because I have the max amount of books checked out--35!!) and read for a couple of hours before I was ready to go back to sleep. 

Then, I woke up after having a nightmare about my former best friend's grandmother dying.  All my grandparents passed by the time I was 11 or 12, so her grandmother was my grandmother, too.  She is the sweetest lady I've ever known.  I haven't seen her in at least 8 years because my best friend and I "broke up" after I graduated from college.  She turned 91 this month.  I am in contact with people who would most likely let me know if she did happen to die, but I woke up more than slightly paranoid.  I had to go to the local newspaper website and look through the obituaries this morning just to make sure.  I'll be really upset when it happens, too. 

I vaguely remember a dream I had last night.  I dreamed that I moved back to California and that I dragged my brother and his fiancee with me!  We were talking to someone about it and said that we hoped mom and dad would move out eventually. 

I don't think that the dream really represents what I want. 

My brother just told me that one of my parents' cats just died.  Not the one with asthma.  They said that she wasn't acting any differently at all and they have no idea why.  I feel like I should be more upset.  AT the same time, pets are not people, and it's right not to be as upset as you are with people. 

I'm striking out in the job-hunting category.  It's really frustrating.  I'm hoping something will come up, but so far, nada.  I really don't want to substitute, but it's looking like I'm going to have to find something else for this school year and try again next year.  At the same time, I hate doing that to another company/employer.  I have to pay the bills, and I need insurance coverage.  What else can I do?  I'm not giving up hope yet, but I am definitely feeling discouraged.

OK, off to eat before it's time to get my car inspected for registration in Ky.

Oh, how I wish I had gone home last summer instead of waiting an extra year.  I could have gone to my aunt's funeral.  And now, I could go to my uncle's funeral without having to fly home.  I'm going this time.  I can't deal with any more funerals without being there. 

I got a call last night.  It was about 8:30.  It was my dad.  He asked where I was, and then went on to tell me that my uncle had been in an accident in Oklahoma and was killed.  I keep thinking that they're going to call back and say that they got the wrong person, that it wasn't really my uncle.  Oh, how awful it is to have to get the news by phone and not in person.  I want to be home now, so bad I can taste it.  I want my uncle to have not gone back to his trucking company so that he wasn't in Oklahoma.  I want to have called him again after he called me.  I want to hear him go on about illegal immigrants no matter how politically incorrect it is, to have him go through his bottle of Jack at Christmas, to hug him again! 

I want sleep.  I couldn't go to sleep last night.  I had to lie in bed until I could finally drift off.  My neighbor's alarm was going off this morning, so I'm up already and it's only 7:30 a.m.  I usually sleep much longer than this. 

How painful life is sometimes.