3 posts tagged “depression”

I have this vision of how the rest of my life is going to go, and it's not pretty.  The world is made for couples.  In LA, that wasn't so much the case.  It was hard to meet people the same age, so there were a lot more people who were single like me. 

In Kentucky, that's not so much the case.  It's all marrieds.  Or attacheds or engageds or somethings.  No dangly people who have no pair to see them through the rough times.  No third wheels.  I didn't mind so much being a third wheel back there when I had some single friends as well.  Now I've left all my single friends behind and it's me with a bunch of couples.

It's so depressing.  The thought that for the rest of my life, I'll have no one to go to movies with, no one to go out to eat with, etc.  No one to cook for.  No one to help with the chores.  No one.  Everyone else will move on, have kids.  And then there's me.  If I lived in a place where there were other people with the same kinds of inclinations, it wouldn't bother me so much.  When you have it in your face ALL the time, it gets more than a little wearing.  And I've just been here for 3 weeks. 

Yeah, so I'm having a bad day.

Who was that guy who slept for years and year?  I can't remember his name right now, but I feel like him.  I get home and I'm tired.  I went to bed at 7:30 last night.  I didn't go to sleep until 9:30 or 10, but I was in bed the whole time.  Reading.  Seems like that's the only way I can maintain my sanity.  I lose myself in books.  It keeps me from thinking too much about my own life.  Keeps me from thinking about how while my body is here in California, my heart, mind, and soul are in Kentucky. 

Yesterday felt like the next several weeks would go by quickly.  Today, not so much.  Hopefully I have more quick days than not. 

I'm uninterested in the people here, the things to do here.  I don't want to get to know anyone new.  I don't want to get any more attached to anyone here than I already am.  I'm uninterested in watching TV any more.  It doesn't occupy enough of my brain to keep me from letting logical thought from slipping away.  I know that the things I'm thinking about aren't logical.  But unless I keep my mind occupied with other things, I have no control over those illogical thought patterns. 

 So, I sleep. 

Oh, how I wish I had gone home last summer instead of waiting an extra year.  I could have gone to my aunt's funeral.  And now, I could go to my uncle's funeral without having to fly home.  I'm going this time.  I can't deal with any more funerals without being there. 

I got a call last night.  It was about 8:30.  It was my dad.  He asked where I was, and then went on to tell me that my uncle had been in an accident in Oklahoma and was killed.  I keep thinking that they're going to call back and say that they got the wrong person, that it wasn't really my uncle.  Oh, how awful it is to have to get the news by phone and not in person.  I want to be home now, so bad I can taste it.  I want my uncle to have not gone back to his trucking company so that he wasn't in Oklahoma.  I want to have called him again after he called me.  I want to hear him go on about illegal immigrants no matter how politically incorrect it is, to have him go through his bottle of Jack at Christmas, to hug him again! 

I want sleep.  I couldn't go to sleep last night.  I had to lie in bed until I could finally drift off.  My neighbor's alarm was going off this morning, so I'm up already and it's only 7:30 a.m.  I usually sleep much longer than this. 

How painful life is sometimes.